Men today often struggle with relationships.

We struggle to form them. We struggle to grow them. And we struggle to maintain them, keep them healthy long-term.

There are many factors at play, and there are bound to be disappointments, including poor partner choices.

If you've ever loved, you've almost certainly loved and lost.

And that's OK. It's part of life, growing, and learning. A central part of the human experience.

When we experience a particularly difficult loss, and try to process the emotions ( which many men also struggle with ), we seek to understand why things went wrong, how women think, and why they behave in certain ways.

And here thing get interesting.

In the Age of the Internet, men talk. They seek answers, and to share their pain, and they find other groups of men who have had similar disappointments.

These groups form around certain perspectives on two key questions-

"Why are male-female relationships so difficult?"

"What should be done about it?"

But the answers each of the communities find, and form their ideologies around are radically different.

The 3 Ideologies of Male-Female Relationships

Presently, I know of three such communities-

1. Red pill, which includes "game" and Pick Up Artistry (PUA)
2. Blue pill, aka Mr. Nice Guy Syndrome
3. Black pill, aka Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW) or Involuntary Celibates (Incels)

Let's dig in a bit to explore each perspective.

Red Pill

The name Red Pill is borrowed from the Matrix, in which Neo takes a red pill to escape "the matrix" of lies & illusion and see reality as it is.

Red Pill represents itself as "the harsh truth" about women, and how they approach relationships.

I believe that this group started as an honest attempt to collect and share scientific understanding. The key questions that the members wanted to answer center on evolutionary psychology, with focus on why and how men & women behave differently, think differently, and seek different things.

Unfortunately, in the Internet, this mutated and has picked up a strong negative bias towards women. Men who were seeking to vent their anger around failed relationships, being friendzoned, or general sexual frustration began to use this group as a means to explain why they feel hurt by women.

Today, much of the writing in this community, presents women as intentionally manipulative creatures who prey on men to improve their own lives- primarily through "getting male attention" and gifts, financial support, seduction, marriage (thus income, and property ownership), child support, and/or alimony.

This group never seems to turn the camera around, point it at men, and ask "ok even if these things are true, in what way have men created this situation?" "how are we challenging for women, in getting what they need out of relationships?"

Core concepts;

1. Women are manipulative, and use sex as a means to attract and control men, to maximize their own security (by manipulating a marriage) or resources (by getting child support, or alimony payments).
2. Women are hypergamous, meaning that they will ditch their guy and trade up for a better guy at the first opportunity.
3. Only a tiny percentage of men are "getting girls", and most men are not. This is based on the Alpha Male concept, that the leaders get all the sexual access.
4. For a man to get sex and/or relationships with women, he must be equally manipulative in order to (a) get her attention, (b) win her affection, and (c) protect himself from harm. Thus, Red Pill fully embraces "pick up" (PUA) strategy as a valid approach to relationships.

Blue Pill ( aka Nice Guy Syndrome )

Also from The Matrix, the Blue Pill represents accepting the socially popular illusion of how male-female relationships are built. Specifically this refers to the premise that the way to a woman's heart is to "buy her affection" through friendship, gifts, and attention.

This perspective is the foundation of "nice guy syndrome", in which men believe that love, sex, and attraction are things that are "traded for." Nice guys often end up friendzoned, circling their female friends who don't realize that their friend is actually attracted to them. Or perhaps they see the attraction, and enjoy the attention- but because their male friend does does not lead anything, the woman is forced to wait-and-see what will happen over the course of the relationship.

Core concepts;

• Relationships take years to build, and must start with friendship
• Give gifts and tons of attention, to build her appreciation of you as potential romantic partner
• Never communicate your attraction as it might push her away. Instead, wait for her to fall in love with you and make the first move.

Black Pill ( aka MGTOW or Incels )

Black pill is essentially the "I give up" mentality.

It's founded on the idea that men and women are fundamentally different, and it's impossible to have a stable, secure long-term relationship, so why bother trying. Failed relationships cause too much emotional pain, and simply aren't worth it.

It includes strong negative limiting beliefs, such as "I can't get a woman," "Women don't like me," or "I am not worthy."

Core concepts;

• I can't get a woman.
• Relationships are too difficult.
• I'm not good enough.
• Women are cruel.

Why all 3 of these perspectives fail

I want you to stop and notice the strong emotional undercurrents that are central to each of the 3 ideologies.

1. Red pill is driven by fear + anger
2. Blue pill is driven by fear + desire‍
3. Black pill is driven by fear + despair

In fact, if you observe carefully., you'll see that...

These 3 ideologies align perfectly with psychological threat response - aka the fight, flight, or freeze reflex

Red pill = fight. The community is fully "on the offense" when it comes to women and relationships, seeking to control and manipulate the situation. It treats women as the enemy, with a huge dose of suspicion and contempt. In Pick-Up Artistry (PUA), terminology borrows from warfare tactics, referring to women as the "target." In any "game," there is a winner and a loser.

Blue pill = freeze. Unwilling to run away, usually out of a strong neediness and desire for women- but unable to see them as "the enemy," Blue pillers freeze going in neither direction. Many blue-pill members feel paralyzed, unsure how to get closer to women they like, and unable to risk any potential connection.

Black pill = flight. Run away. It's too difficult, painful, or scary.

Here's a question to ponder then...

How can any healthy relationship be built, if you see women as a threat?

A One-Sided Debate

One of the central challenges of these 3 communities is that none of them seem to have a perspective on the whole picture.

They never turn the camera around, point it at men, and ask...

"OK even if these things we believe are true, in what way have men contributed to this situation?"

"I had a Really Bad Experience, but are all women really the same?" "Could I have been a better partner in some way?" "How much of this relationship failing was caused by my own behavior, or lack of behavior, as well as my own decisions in who I chose as a partner?"

"How are men challenging for women, in getting what they want & need out of relationships?"

... because obviously this is a two-way street, right? Both people need to win, to make a relationship work.

These are essential questions, but no one in these communities seems to ask them.

Honestly this frustrates me tremendously.

I often hear men in the Red Pill community throw words around as though they've discovered some universal truth, like... "all women are naturally hypergamous." To them this means that women will ditch their current partner, and trade up to a better partner, at the first opportunity.

Really? All women? I've seen very differently.

Certainly, some percentage of women strongly and consistently exhibit this kind of hypergamous behavior, and their ex boyfriends find their way into the Red Pill forums to vent their pain. But how does that percentage of women compare to the percentage of men who are just as hypergamous?

Because like it or not, I know a lot of men who are unfaithful, or who ditch their life partner for the younger, sexier, secretary version.

So far I see zero evidence that "all women are naturally hypergamous."

The clearest and most accurate thing I think we can say is...

Some people- both men and women- are strongly hypergamous. Best not to build your life around those people.

A Better Way to Relate

First and foremost...

Stop seeing women as the enemy, and start relating to them as equals.

In any successful, healthy relationship, women do not want to be seen as inferior, and feel mistreated or underappreciated.

This is what a Red Piller's girlfriend will feel.

Women also do not want to be put on a pedestal above their partner. It's not exciting to "date down" the social ladder, where the man sees and positions himself as an inferior.

‍_This is what a Blue Piller's girlfriend will feel._

Black Piller's girlfriends don't feel anything, because they simply do not exist.

This reminds me of a saying I heard as a child, as spoken from a woman to a man...

Do not walk in front of me and leave me in your dust.
Do not walk behind me, or I will feel lonely.
Walk beside me, and hold my hand.

This presents a very simple image, but it's very appropriate to the challenges men are having with relationships today.

So What Can You Do?

Fortunately, you have complete control over fixing this problem, all by yourself.

First, stop filling your head with unhelpful ideas, based on victim-centered worldviews.

You are not a victim.

Let other people feel that way if they are determined to- you don't need to be influenced by them.

Instead, invest all your attention in learning what it means to be a man.

1. Read David Deida’s Way of the Superior Man
2. Read Neil Strauss’s The Truth
3. Read Dr. Glover’s No More Mr. Nice Guy
4. Join a group like BROJO where men are learning how to be the best men they can possibly be, support and challenge each other to grow.
5. Surround yourself with as many assertive, socially conscientious, principled men as you can find, their age is irrelevant. Learn from these guys, everything you can.

Build the world you want.

If you’re stuck, message me. This is what I do.

mike@brojo.co.nz

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